Needing to Know about Needs

Needs.  What are needs.  Are they rational?  Are they okay to have?  Are you wrong in having them?

I am and have been struggling with this question.  We all have needs.  There are the basic ones – food, shelter, clothing.  But what about the more ethereal ones that come about when we speak of relationships?  I definitely have needs which if I am alone – can be waived – to some degree – but in a relationship – need attention.  Now why is that?  Why are they less intensely required when alone than they are when in a relationship?  That I have not figured out yet.  However, I think it is along the lines that when you open up yourself to intimacy – to being vulnerable – you open yourself up to those needs that come into play in that situation.

Are we wrong for having needs?  I don’t think so.  So long as those needs are not harmful to others – for instance – an insane person is bound to have needs that just are not healthy – if you know what I mean.  But regular needs – the need for connection – are not harmful.

I was recently in a situation where I was expressing my need for emotional and verbal connection – I never know when to raise this topic – but it is just that – a topic.  Of course, with it comes some emotions.  However, it is a topic.  The response of the receiver to this topic was such that it was something they found to be too much to ask.  So this drove me to do some research on this because it lead me to believe something was wrong with me having these needs.

Well thank god for Google.  I found many sites, but this one in particular talked about emotional connection – which was exactly what I was talking about.  Perhaps I bring up the topic too soon, but such is me, harmless really.  But I like this site as I believe it states exactly what I try to express – sometimes not too easily.  Finding an emotional connection is so important in a relationship.  As stated, understanding exactly what we mean when we say things like “feeling connected,” “being close” or “emotionally present” has been difficult for therapists and researchers to define until recently. What couples are seeking is a secure attachment with one another.  Is this a bad thing?

So I rewrite some of this here and leave the rest for you to go to the link.  But what I have to say, is that it puts my mind at ease that what I am trying to explain and express to a potential partner about my needs is this – attachment/connection –  is not a bad thing or unusual.

So what does all this talk about attachment mean? For starters, it means there is a scientific reason that sometimes your fights dissolve into a desperate plea by one or the other to be heard and that those never-ending battles about “silly” things may in fact be masking a primal need for emotional responsiveness.  Ultimately attachment is about feeling confident in our partner’s ability to be “there for us” when we need them. We can simplify the issue into three basic questions:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?
Will you be responsive to my needs?
Are you engaged in this relationship?

The acronym, “A.R.E.” address the most basic foundation of our intimate relationships. Are you always going to be there for me? Often this question is dismissed by both as needy or dependent, but attachment theory teaches us that our need for a loving connection with another person is not a character flaw or weakness. It is a primal desire like our need for food and shelter and one of the most powerful drives behind our behavior.

Think about it for a moment. How many times have you felt an almost desperate need for your partner to pay attention to you or respond to what may, on the surface, seem like a mundane request? Have you ever found yourselves going around and around in arguments about an issue that, when emotions have calmed, you both agree are silly yet in that particular moment neither of you could relinquish your position? These may have been moments that, what was really at stake, were your sense of secure connection to one another. Unfortunately, couples often overlook the emotional context of their conversations and miss the opportunity to strengthen the love between them. But by answering these questions about yourself and your partner, you can begin to unravel the deeper meaning behind that fight about the laundry or begin to articulate the vague sense of disconnect that may be creeping into your relationship right now.

So read the rest.  As I read this, it put my heart at ease and made me realize – I am alright – my need for connection, for emotional intimacy, is natural.  And when I meet that man that truly loves me for me, this will not send them running, but will be a simple request – something they can say, “well of course, sure, I need that too.”  That is the man I am looking for.